Winter Dreams and Nightmares
by EmilyPrentiss2012
Summary: Morgan is grieving over Emily's death and is taking it pretty hard. This is his journey, and how he comes to except her passing, and return. (Morgan/Prentiss) pairing later on...
1. Chapter 1

Winter Dreams and Nightmares

"False friendship, like the ivy, decays and ruins the walls it embraces; but true friendship gives new life and animation to the object it supports."

-Richard Burton-

"Nightmares are releases."

-Sylvia Browne—

**5 Steps**

HIS letter to HER

"Inventing Shadows"

When the blonde woman came into the room and stood before us I knew. I knew that the words that were about to escape her lips were bad. The redness in her eyes, the shaking of her hands gave it away.

My best friend, my secret lover, you were gone... Forever.

I would never be able to look at you, see you smile, or hear you laugh ever again. My heart didn't just break it shattered.

I didn't have the energy to lift my hand and wipe away the falling tears from my burning cheeks.

When I had found you in that dark place dying a part of me fell onto you. I held your hand through the pain. I wanted to tell you I loved you but the time wasn't right. Since I knew you'd live to see the next day I thought I could wait. But I was wrong, terribly wrong.

It's been quite some time now since the last time I saw you. I'm so alone and sad. Everyone else seems to grieve with one another but I keep to myself.

I can sometimes see you when I close my eyes. You're standing in front of me and you're smiling. When I open I still see you there sitting at my desk. We talk and we laugh. I tell you about my day and how much I miss you.

I know the others think I'm slipping into depression and they see me talking to 'you', but I don't care. Talking to you shows me that you never really left this place. This place you once called home.

I visit the place that you rest and I can feel you by my side. All I can think about is how this all happened. You ran to protect us. We ran after you to protect you.

I lay a flower down, a single rose.

I close my eyes again and open them to find you gone.

I sigh only to realize you were a dream. That's all I do, dream.

And I continue inventing shadows.

* * *

He jerked awake and quickly looked around. It was four o'clock and still very dark out. He sighed as he got up and walked over to the near by window. There was a light rain that patted against the glistening glass. He remembered how much she loved the rain. She always said, "The rain washes all sin away." He could see the smile on her face now.

He stared out into the outside world and fixed his gaze on the street lamp across the way. Every time he looked out this way he hoped to see her standing under the orange light. He would run out to greet her with open arms, wrap her up tightly and bring her inside. Again he sighed knowing his dream would never come true.

It was Thursday, she died on a Thursday. It was that time of week where he'd visit her grave and replace the rose form the week before.

He couldn't sleep, he never slept. Every time he did he'd be waked with nightmares of her death. Her dying as he held her hand, her asking him to 'let her go'. All she had wanted to do was protect the ones she loved and end the madness. Sixty seconds, if he had only gotten there sixty seconds early she would still be here. Oh how he blamed himself and how it was slowly killing him.

There are five steps of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. And each step took a piece from him, which he'll never get back.

**Daily Routine **

Step one: Wake up and get dressed.

Step two: Make breakfast and eat it, even if you're not hungry.

Step three: Drive to work.

Step four: Walk into the Bullpen and try to stay calm.

Step five: Ignore the concerned glances.

Step six: Go to your office and shut the door.

Step seven: Pretend you didn't notice her empty desk when you walked in.

Step eight: Make it through the day with or without a case.

Step nine: Go home.

Step ten: Get ready to do it all over again tomorrow.

**Thursday Night**

He walked into the cemetery with his single rose and letter. Making his way past the many tombstones he finally reached hers. Pulling up one of the stone benches as he always did, he took a moment of silence. "It's me again," he said softly. Reaching down he picked up the wilted rose and gently placed the fresh one in its place. From his pocket he pulled a small wooden box no bigger than a sticky-note. He then placed his letter in the box and tucked it under the flower. "I hope you like it. I wrote it myself. It's called 'Inventing Shadows'" He stood up, put the bench back where it came from and looked back at her name. Her beautiful name, etched in stone, "I miss you."

**So this idea just came to me, so let me know what you think, review please! Tnx:)**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Child**

It was not only her duty to protect this child; it was her love for him that kept her going. Now it was his job to keep him safe. Declan Jones was going to get the life he disserved. He set up camera up and around his school and house, so he could always have eyes on him. _"Emily, stay with me… I know what you did for Declan. I am so proud of you, you hear me? I am so proud of you… No Emily, stay with me!"_

Those haunting words of him pushing her to stay alive. Was it worth it? Was all of this worth it? Maybe if he had told her how he felt she would have pushed herself just a little bit harder, that is if she felt the same way.

He sat at home with a glass of brown liquid in his hands. The smell of hard whisky filled the room. Morgan stared down at a photo he had of the two of them. They were laughing and goofing off, like a bunch of idiots. He smiled as he remembered when this was taken. It was at one of the office parties and they had just pulled a great prank on Reid. Garcia had snuck up behind them with the camera. It was great. Correction… It had been great.

It's been five months, thirteen cases, seven therapy sessions, and lots of drinks sense the horrible day, and he still felt like shit. By this point the team was falling apart, and it may even be coming to end soon. What was he going to do? Protect that child, that's what he was going to so, and he was going to do it in her honor.

Kicking back the last of his drink he walked upstairs and threw himself on the bed. He had always dreamed of her being in his bed. No clothes, just the thin sheet the cover up with. He would crawl up beside her, kiss her rosy lips, and slip his hands under the blanket. It's been so long sense he's touched her delicate skin. He thought back to the fist time they'd touched. It had been an accident, just a brush, but it was enough to set him off. _"If you can hear me then just squeeze my hand… there- there you go baby…" _ That was the first time he held her hand in his, and it was the last.

**The Man**

He was going to kill him. He was going to hunt Ian Doyle down and shove a stake down his throat to see if he likes it. The anger constantly boiled inside him and he always felt like punching a brick wall. _"Yeah sometimes I feel like I want to quit my job and spend my time chasing down the son of a bitch who killed Emily, you're damn right I'm angry," he snapped looking up at Hotch. _ He had thought about a million times a day. What if he did quit his job and he found Doyle and killed him? Where would that leave him?

**Paris**

**Emily's Hotel Room**

She cringed and let go of everything in her stomach. Her shaky hands gripped the rim of the ceramic bowl. The tears streamed down her red face as she choked on a sob. She fell to the floor and curled up in the tightest ball she could. Everything hurt. Her abdomen burned, ached, and felt like it was ripping open. The clover atop her breast itched and burned. She was running out of pain medication and was in state to run out and get more. This had been her second attempt of suicide. Popping pills.

Six months, six moths since she 'died'. She regretted lying to everyone. All she wanted was to be at home, be surrounded by the people she loved, she actually wanted a hospital. She even wished Ian would find her and end her suffering.

After a few minutes she got to her feet and regained her balance. Looking into the mirror she stripped her shirt and stared at her form. There was a long red scar that went from the bottom of her bra to the top of her bellybutton. It was a clean cut, but still ugly as hell. The clover had faded but still had that red, fresh tent to it. "I want to go home," she quivered. 'This is your home', her mind told her. She had lost weight, but so much that it made her look unhealthy.

Depression was a silent killer and it was killing her.

One of the things that kept her going was the daily online scrabble game with JJ. They weren't allowed to use the chat room, but just knowing JJ was on the other side of the screen put her at ease.

There's this thing called phantom limb. It's when an amputee thinks the limb they just lost is still there, and it hurts. She was told this when she was discharged, at first it didn't make any sense to her but now it does. When she goes to sleep at night she'll wake up hysterical. It feels like the stake is still impaled in her stomach and she can't move. Her life is worse than it was before.

**Help Him**

Garcia tapped her feathered pen against the edge of the table as she waited for JJ to pick up. Ring after ring after ring. "Come on JJ pick up, this is important," she begged into her headset.

"Hello,"

"Jay, it's me!" she said with relief.

"Hey Penn what's up?" she asked. "It's been awhile."

"Yeah I know and I'm sorry… it's… it's just been hard lately."

"…right."

"Anyways it's not me you should be worried about it my love bug."

"Morgan?"

"Yes. He's been really depressed lately."

"Garcia you have to give him time."

"I have given him time, six months and still nothing."

"Some people mourn differently, and he mourns silently."

"I know but when I ask him what's wrong, nothing. That's all he is nothing, an emotionless body walking around and it breaks my fragile, little heart." She could hear JJ smile through the phone, but then quickly stop.

"Penn he lost her. Derek lost Emily. His partner, his best friend, his person, they were so close and you know that. He is heartbroken, he watched her die, and he held her in her last moments."

"They were close," she confessed.

"Garcia I'm going to tell you something but it can't leave this phone conversation."

"Ok, what is it?" she asked getting slightly excited.

She sighed. "Once her funeral was over I was walking to my car, and Derek came up to me. He pulled me aside and just stared at me with these- these puppy dog eyes and whispered, "I should have told her I loved her." And with that he walked away."

Garcia was silent she didn't know how to respond to such a thing. He loved her. They were closer then she had thought. He loved her and now she was gone, "You have to help him Penn, you have to help get better," JJ said with one last breath.

"You don't forget, you just move on." She stated blankly.

"Yeah, we never forget…." She said slowly. "Or forgive," she whispered so quietly Garcia didn't hear.

"Ok, thanks JJ, and I'm sorry I haven't called."

"No it's ok, maybe we can get together for lunch or something?"

"Lunch would be nice."

"Great, see you later."

"Bye."

JJ ended her phone call and fell to the couch. She held her head in her hands and tried to keep it together. "JJ what's wrong?" Will asked entering the room.

"Nothing," she said looking up quickly.

"Is it about Emily?

She nodded slowly and looked up at him. "All I do now is lie. Lie, lie, lie, and I have this constant feeling of guilt inside me."

"I know its hard keeping this from them but Emily's alive, that's what matters."

"Right. It's just when Reid coming over crying I just want to yell at him 'She's alive, no need to worry!" but I can't, or when Garcia rarely calls me unless it's about Morgan."

"How is he?"

"Depressed, broken, how would you feel if I died?"

**Sorry its short, but hoped you liked it. I you have any ideas let me know and I will see what I can do with them**


	3. Chapter 3

**Her return**

The moment he had been waiting for, for seven months had finally come. His chest rose and his hands were sweating. He gripped the gun in his out stretched hands ready to fire, ready to end this man life. Standing out here on the roof staring down this devil of a man he realized a bullet to the head just wasn't enough. This man disserved torture but he had no authority to do such a thing. "You're going to kill me yourself agent?" Doyle called out. His hands gripped the gun even harder. He quickly ran over and pushed Ian to the ground. "Shut up," he spat and cuffed Ian's arms behind his back.

He got him…he got him," he angrily smiled to himself. Emily could now rest in peace.

**Preparation**

She had just received a call from Tom saying that Declan had been kidnapped. Her stomach dropped and her insides twisted. Her brain immediately went to Doyle. He had finally found his long lost son.

She had pulled herself together in the last month. Her pain had finally settled and she hadn't tried to kill herself. She was finally going home. Home, as she said that word it was as if she didn't know the meaning. Now that she thought about it where was her home? She no longer had her apartment; JJ had informed her that Hotch had stored all of her things.

She was not only happy to be returning to D.C but terrified. They thought she was dead. When she walks through that door they're going to be shocked, and happy. Will they be happy, or hateful? She packed what little she had and headed to the airport. She would arrive in D.C in few hours, and till then she was going to panic.

Morgan had his arms crossed as he leaned up against the door. He was staring Doyle down preparing a group of questions to ask. All he really wanted to do was jump across the table and land a few punches on his smirking face. 'I hate you. I hate you!' his mind screamed. 'I hate you.' Emily could have easily beaten his ass, why didn't she? What was their fight like? Had she been winning at a certain point? She had to have been. She lost to this loser. 'I hate you.'

What he'd give to have her standing beside him, help him interrogate this guy… just like the good old days. They might have even tried a little good cop, bad cop, and see where it went. He knew was in here with him, in spirit. She was standing behind Doyle's chair cheering him on. Telling him it was about time this son of a bitch paid for what he's done.

**The Call**

"Emily?!"

"Hey Hotch… I'm coming in," she said nervously.

"What?"

"Decal tried to make a call, I'm almost there."

"Ok, um… I have to tell them."

"Ok, ok… Hotch I'm so scared."

"It's ok to be scared, just be prepared for the types of reactions."

"Right, see you then."

He nodded knowing she couldn't see him and hung up. As he turned the corner he ran into JJ. "It's time."

"Why? Morgan may be able to break Doyle without her."

"Decal tried to make a call, she's on her way."

She sighed. "Alright I'll get Morgan.

"I'll get the others."

**The Story Has Been Told**

'What?!' he asked himself. 'That's…that's not possible I saw her die'. Morgan's eyes widened. What the hell was going on? He lying, he has to be lying. This can't be true. Emily is dead, he saw it, they buried her, he visits her grave, he sees her ghost. Was it all in his head? Have the last seven months been a lie? "Any issues? Yeah I got some issues!" he spat at Hotch.

He looked down at the table in front of him and was ready to flip it in anger. He then heard Garcia gasp and just for that split second he paused. Was he willing to look up and see who was standing in the doorway? Was he willing to be heartbroken all over again? Yes.

With that made for himself he jerked his head behind him and started in awe. It was her, it really was her. She changed her hair but it was her. His heart skipped a beat and his legs stopped moving. All he wanted to do was run to her and take her way to some place safe. He couldn't, this other part of him was angry and full of hate. He was so angry that this was happening. Why didn't they tell him? Did they not trust him?

Garcia turned her head around and looked at Morgan. His face was sad, his eyes hurt, his muscles relaxed. Not knowing what to say she turned back to Emily.

Emily let go of Garcia and Reid's hand before continuing forward. "I am so sorry, you didn't disserve that," she said hugging him. She tried hard not to make the situation awkward but it felt like what she needed to do. 'Please hug me back'. She wished closing her eyes. Then she felt the slight pressure of his hand on her back. 'Thank you.'

The moment she touched him, it was like a wave of electricity zapped through his body. When she wrapped her arms around him he just wanted to melt. The sent of her lavender hair filled his senses. 'I've missed you.' His closed lips tried to speak.

**He Is Dead and So Am I**

"We got him," Hotch said to her.

"Yep, we got him," she said trying not to sound sad.

"Are you alright?"

She hesitated. "Yeah just tired, it's been a long day."

"I'm glad you're back."

"So am I," said softly.

"Where do you want me to drop you?"

"Here's fine," she said as they got into the city. "Thanks for driving me."

He nodded and looked at her with a frown. "Where are you staying?"

"Just a hotel down the street."

"Then let me take you."

"No, it's fine. I could use a walk anyways… to clear my head you know?'

"Right, see you later."

Emily didn't respond, she only opened the car door and waved him goodbye. As she watched him drive off and his lights blend in with the city she slowly walked over to the bus station's bench. She sat there, steadied her breathing, pressed her trembling lips together and sucked it all back in. she was going to be just fine. She was home; this is where she belonged,

He had followed them out here. He wanted to see where Hotch was taking her. He pulled into a nearby parking lot and sat on a bench across the street from her. It was too dark for her to notice him and that was ok, he didn't want to be seen.

He watched as she patiently sat and occasionally squirmed. Morgan wasn't quite sure why she was sitting there, the bus wouldn't be coming for another hour or so.

Her eyes glistened in the moon light, they were so beautiful. He saw her wipe away the tears that fell from her blinking lids. Why was she sad? She was alive, she was home, and they had gotten Doyle, or was that just if? Did she wish she was dead? Was this not her home anymore? Did she really love him? Snapping out of his trance he fixed his gaze back on her. She was balling now.

The wind had picked up and small raindrops began to fall. It was like she was controlling the weather with her emotions. He had never seen her cry before and it made him feel bad. Had he caused all of this? He hadn't really welcomed her back the way he should have. Should he go over there to comfort her? Or was it too soon? He stood up and was ready to cross the street when he saw her double over in pain. He was frozen, what was he supposed to do, run over and help her?

Before he could do anything she grabbed her purse and quickly dug through it. In a matter of moments he pulled out an orange bottle of pills.

They crying had put to much pressure on her stomach muscles and now she was paying for it. Throwing two pain killers in her mouth she swallowed them ready for the pain to stop. She had to get out of here, she need to get to the hotel. She needed to stop thinking out Doyle. She had compared herself to a abused wife. You get it and hate it, but when someone try's to take him away from you, you fight for him. Deep down you know he's a good man when he's not hurting others. That man had Doyle written all over it. Although Ian never hit her while they were together he did try to kill her after the fact.

Morgan was at his car now. He couldn't stand to watch her be in so much pain. Opening the door he hopped in and drove home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys thanks for all the reviews! The rating may change to M so yeah... enjoy! :)**

**Post "Proof****"**

**After Rossi's Dinner**

It had been one hell of a case. Reid made it clear he was angry with JJ and Morgan had trust issues with Hotch. The party was over now and they were all heading home. She was getting that uneasy feeling in her core again, and it was upsetting her. She fumbled with the keys to her new car as she walked down the driveway.

Sliding into her seat she knew where she had to go, and didn't care how late it was.

Morgan left right behind Emily when he decided to leave. They went in the same direction to get to their places, except when they got to the third stoplight. He pulled up next to her ready to turn left when he looked through her window. She was crying… again. He rolled down the passenger door's window and called her name, but she couldn't heat him. "Emily!" he yelled a little bit louder. 'Why was she going straight, she should be going right?' he asked himself.

When his light turned green he did a U- turn through a gas station and pulled out into her lane. "Where is she going?" he mumbled. After driving for another ten minutes he finally realized where she was going. He had been down this road to many times, and this time it wasn't a Thursday.

Emily pulled into the cemeteries parking lot and pulled herself together. There were lamp posts lining each side of all the walkways and the full moonlight the place up nicely. She didn't take a path; she just walked through ht grass until she saw her name on top of one of the stone. She was having thoughts about leaving right now and not putting herself through this but she had too.

Morgan silently shut his car door and followed her through the graveyard. When she finally reached her grave she just stood in front of it.

She hung her head and stared at her name and the three words engraved under it. _Fidelity, Bravery, and Integrity. _ It was perfect. They had thought so highly of her but now she didn't know. She looked over to her left and saw a small stone bench and dragged it over.

Morgan was standing by one of the nearby trees and smiled when she pulled the bench over like he did. She picked up the wilted rose and plucked one of the peddles off. "Who left you here?" he heard her whisper. Then he saw her notice the box. "No," he sighed closing his eyes. She picked up the delicate little thing and ran her finger across the carving on the lip. It was a lily, her favorite flower. She pulled the lip back on its small hinges and took the paper from its inside.

Emily carefully unfolded the note and started at the top. As she read to poem tear welded in her eyes and she couldn't stop them from falling. When she reached the ending she looked for a signature but couldn't find one. She put her hand over her mouth when she recognized the hand writing. "He loved me," she breathed. "Loved." She slipped the note back in the box and put both it and the rose on the ground. She drug the bench back and took one last look at the tomb stone. "Why? Why'd you do it?" he huffed.

When she turned around he stepped out. "I never thought you'd actually read that."

"Oh my god!" she said quickly. She slammed her hand over heart and felt her heart beating fast.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you," he said softly.

"No, no, its fine were you here the whole time?"

"Yeah," he said looking down at his feet.

"Little stalkery don't you think?"

"Little."

"Why are you here?"

"I followed you. Wait that did sound stalkery," he laughed. "I saw you at the light and you were crying and going the wrong way home. I just wanted to make sure you were ok."

"Oh… well thanks, I'm ok now."

"Good, good. So you read it."

"It was beautiful."

He rubbed his hand over his head and back into his pocket. "I meant everything I said."

"I want to fix this," she said waving her hand between them.

"We are fixed."

"Don't lie to yourself, you know we're not. Like yesterday when I asked you if you were pissed at me and you said, "You're here". I know you're happy that I'm back but you're still angry, and I want to fix that."

"Emily…"

"You don't have to forgive me now… or tomorrow, a year from now, or ever. I just want us to be ok."

"You were gone for a while."

"Yep. I want to be partners again."

"We are partners, always have been."

"No. I want to be Agent Prentiss and Agent Morgan again. I want to be the partners who can take down an Unsub like it's nothing. Those two who can handle an interrogation like its Childs play. The friends who make joke and play pranks on Reid because it's fun. Those two people who email each other back and forth at the office because paperwork is boring, or the friends who get a couple drinks after a hard case. The partners who playfully flirt with each other while they're driving down the road, and don't care if the others are listening. The two people who have so much sexual tension between them because neither of them have the balls to tell the other how they really feel." "That was us, and I want it to be us. I miss them."

There was still about ten feet between and he just made it nine. "I miss them too." He then went silent.

"You think I don't know what you went though and you're right I don't know what 'you' went through, but I went through stuff too. Paris was hell, I was a wreck, more then you could imagine. I was scared, in pain, and sick. I'm saying this to make you feel bad, just thought you should know."

"I'm sorry, you're right I didn't know."

"I just hope my words keep us together, you mean so much to me in the end."

"Same to you,"

"… in your poem, you said I was your secret lover."

"You still are. What so you say, come over to my place for a few drinks and maybe we can talk?"

"It's a little late don't you think?"

"It's nearly midnight and we're standing in a graveyard, it's never too late."

"I'd love too."

**Derek's House**

Emily followed Derek into his house and into the kitchen. "Go sit on the couch, I'll bring you your dink. What do you want?"

"Something hard,"

"I think I can manage that," he smiled at her. She halfheartedly smiled back still finding this situation a bit awkward. "Here you go vodka on rocks just how you like it."

"Thank you," she said slightly blushing. He remembered after only having vodka around him once or twice. "So,,,," she asked taking a sip. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I didn't get that far."

"Me neither," she said looking into his eyes. His eyes were full of sorrow and mixed with lust.

Her beautiful brown orbs staring deep into his soul turned him on. He tried to speak but no words came out. Both of them set their drinks down without the other noticing. Simultaneously they reached a hand up and put it on the others face and leaned in for a kiss.

Their lips softly pressed together and stayed there. Their mouths moved to the immediate rhythm. Her lips felt like the inside of a rose and her skin was so smooth. She pressed her hand on his chest and pushed him back. Emily swung her leg over his lap and straddled his waist. Derek gripped her hips picked her up and carried her to his bed.

Carefully laying her down her raven hair fanned out like a crown. "You are so beautiful," he said in a gravely voice.

"Make me feel that way then," she said in a breathy tone. "Will do," he said crawling over her. He kissed her again feeling the pressure of her tongue on the other side. Inviting her in their tongues crashed into each other eager to taste. She danced her way through his mouth and tasted the alcohol.

His hands slid up her shirt and pulled it over her head. "I don't want pity sex," she said into his mouth.

"This isn't pity, this is 'I've wanted to do this sense the day I met you' sex."

"Good." She pulled his shirt off and racked her fingers down his sculpted chest when finally she reached his belt buckle. His lips left her and left a trail of warm kisses down from her jaw to her collar bone. He buried his face in her chest and nipped at her exposed breast. Emily dug her nails into his back as he removed her bra and felt his way down to her pants.

"I never thought I'd be able to do this," he kissed.

"Me neither," she agreed. "Take me all the way," she said bringing his face back up meet hers.

"I wouldn't take you anywhere else."

After the long night of making love they melted into each other like butter. Both their naked forms tangled under the sheets. Her head rested on his bare chest and she listened to the soft sound of his heart beating. Emily lightly ran her finger up and around his abdomen as he pushed the hair out of her face. "Do you know the song 'Addicted'?"

"No, how does it go?"

"I'm so addicted to all the things you do, when you go down on me in between the sheets, all the sounds you make with every breath you take, it's unlike anything when you're loving me."

She smiled and let out a smile giggle. "How poetic of you,"

"It's what I thought about earlier."

"Do you know the song arms?"

"No, sing it for me."

She laughed yeah right."

"Oh come on, I bet you have a beautiful voice."

"I hope you see right through my walls. I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling, I'll never let a love get so close. You put your arms around me and I'm home." She said.

"Go one," he said as if he were in a trance.

"I've tried my best to never let you see the truth and I've never opened up. I've never truly loved 'till you put your arms around me and I believe that its ease for you to let me go."

"_Let me go."_

"_No I am not letting you go!"_ Those words will haunt him forever. "I will never let you go."


End file.
